letter to a friend...

thanks for getting back to me...

I don't mean to be pedantic... you know? Abrasive... picky.

I'm afraid my gestures have been feeling that way for you. And they feel that way for me too, at least on the surface, and that sucks i suppose, but it strikes me that we can't accept the stupidity and dullness that exists on this side of the abrasiveness... I'm afraid that we're not seeing the whole picture... i'm suggesting that we aren't... and with a gentle looking...gentle touching, maybe the whole picture comes clear. And yes, that means the end of "everything I hold dear"... of course. I'm not interested in spoiling anyone's fun, per se, but that's not all that's going on for me in our conversations, or in my comments about situations and events. I feel quite clear that i'm not working to "be right", or propegate a philoshophy, or exercise a method, or follow a tradition, or "not follow" a tradition, or participate in a regime or maintain a sense of personal control.
I am seeing, living at the heart of, a demand for universal action. And that demand simply doesn't accept anything personal... "what I want/don't want". It doesn't accept it in this brain, and so it can't participate in the personal regimes of others - no matter how "respectable", no matter how ratified by tradition, no matter how "creative" - the tradition, the personal and collective momentum, of a millenia or of a day, is a corrupt, contradictory affair.

Ugh... it feels so harsh... I don't know why, I just know that if we don't find out what it means to be completely honest in life, then our amusements and pastimes and pursuits are really horrifying. Our laughter becomes the laughter of the dictator, our music, our dance becomes the next drug...holding down a state that is responsible for utter disorder. And that is going on. The state of the human "personal" is the state of dishonesty, of contradiction, of separation. Our "first world climate" is still the _expression of selfishness (not that the third world is selfless). Anyone can see it, and yet we talk about success., service and nobility.

And there really is no time for this understanding to take place is there? Will there be some eventual time when there will be seeing?... this seeing must be now or never. This doesn't mean pressure. There is no pressure, no obligation, no guilt. It's just a fact: there is this immoveable demand - understand wholeness immediately, or live in conflict. There's no authority in that. I think it possible to see that quite clearly. There is no authority - inner or outer. The chooser, "the authority", "the believer", is the essence of non-understanding... it can never "choose order" - that's what dr. frankenstein tries to do. "piece together (and maintain) a reality that 'works'." Sorry. Never gonna happen....

Well... sorry, you know, I'm not sure you wanted to go into it... I'm not sure if any of this interests you. But this is where we're at i think, and I feel like maybe life is calling this stuff out between the two of us.

love raven